The landing into ABQ was slammin'. And I do mean that literally. The plane whined and shook and banged and I thought it was going to fall apart. I think my brain got knocked around. It was west metal so you know it is at least 200 yrs old. Not sayin. Just sayin.
There were thunderstorms knocking us around though so I am not blaming it on the crappy vehicle or crew. Who were all very nice.
The gate agent in PHX though did start screaming at people instead of using the PA system and she turned kind of red when people in Zone 4 tried to board with First Class. I wanted to offer her a valium and for once used my better judgement. I only have like two left. Pshh. (that was a joke)
Anyway I have landed safely and will enter treatment for what I can only divulge as necessary to stay alive and mandatory if I want to keep my job.
I will update whenever I feel the itch to, but I have a private blog that no one will be allowed to read where I really , really vent. This is because this blog has been used against me in not so nice ways, and even though so much support sprouted from the things I wrote, other people judged me and wrote me off completely, or they used it to try and eliminate me from my position at work because they didn't like what I had to say or took it the wrong way.
I don't know how I got the way I got , but I can tell you that it started out with a feeling of loneliness and inadequacy and that lonliness with a huge portion of shame coupled with more inadequacy only grew as I continued to spiral downward and isolate.
I felt like I was burdening people with my problems and I no longer wanted to write because it seemed as if the blog was burdening people too, they felt my feelings were wrong but I felt how I felt so I wrote. One person told me they didn't want to be associated with me or anything having to do with me and was embarrassed about my behavior. It defnitely wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back but it stung. Maybe my behavior was unforgivable and rupugnant. Maybe I am just selfish and really never learned my lesson. Maybe I will never get better.
I started to feel like every move was being monitored. Every action, every whisper, point or laugh had to be someone talking about me. Then I'd think Oh, MY GOD!! How selfish of me, the world DOES NOT revolve around me, I am SO selfish!! And then the spiral would go faster. I'd remember all the steps I'd taken to put me where I was at, and i'd feel horrible. I felt like I deserved everything I got. There was no reason to find someone to talk to, I'd talked everyone out. I was a downer. I didn't even want to write about it anymore.
I will not comment on my relationship with my children, it does not belong here. However people were talking about what a bad mother I must be as well and that hurt too. I questioned my ability to function as a human, as a person and wondered if I lacked something critical to normalcy....and would I ever get better.
Every person that walked away from me, or that I drove away, I dont even know anymore circled around in my head telling me I didn't deserve to be happy. That wasn't them, it was me fixating on words I didn't like. I didn't hear the voices that had positive things to say, the only ones I paid attention to were the negatives.
I tried to make amends with people who informed me that I'd hurt them and more than one said they wanted the old Shannon back. They didn't like me this way. It was better for them to distance themselves. I understood. I didn't argue very much. I can't remember some of the things I said or why I did them when I was in the throes of my illness. What is the point of justifying them?
I dont like me this way either. I wanted the old Shannon back too.
I isolated more and more in an effort to keep from being judged or burdening the frinds I had left. It made me lonelier. I found I had no one to talk to.
I made an appointment to speak with a counselor, but I never made it there, the problems I was facing won the battle.
But not the war.
I have realized I don't want the old Shannon back. My goal is a new Shannon who doesn't need the approval of others, who isn't afraid to be alone, who will let people walk away without agonizing over their decisions and who will be the best mother and friend she can possibly be to the people in her life who do care, who do matter, and who held on even when she was being slippery.
It wasn't anyone's fault I got this way. And whether it was mine or not, it doesn't change my precarious position now, so I'm not going to drive that home so many times it hurts me again.
I want to heal, I want to live, and I want to be there for people the way people have been for me. I believe it is within reach.
There are always going to be people who don't like me or what I have to say. I have apologized to everyone I think I owed an apology to. I miss some of the people who are no longer in my life, which is a nice little handful, but I will not disqualify my life just because I might have to live it with less close friends than I can count on one hand then so be it. It's cheaper to take them all out for drinks to celebrate my recovery anyway.
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4 comments:
Shannon 2.0!
All of your cowokers hope for you to get well. It's not the way you think, we do care but you did make it hard for us too. Your attitude sucks toward all of us, calling us douchebag coworkers etc...what happens in your private life is just that.... your private life!!!All we were concerned with was the operation which you were never concerned with, all you need to do is come to work and do just that WORK !!!!! Not just the work that Shannon wants to do but what we are ALL required to do instead of just flaking around. You are not that special, we all have our problems that we don't bring into the work place.But please know we all hope for your recovery in more ways than you can imagine.
wow with support like that no wonder you don't like who you work with. ignore fools like whoever that last commenter is and just get healthy. they are saying more about themselves than you. everyone knows you love your job and you are better at it than anyone i know. you dont need fake support like that.
There is so much to this life, it is so easy to become overloaded. It is an unfortunate fate of those who burn with magnesium quality brightness to draw the moths out of the darkness, an unfortunately that light also draws out the roaches. I have to quietly snicker at the character who has inadvertently tripped over their own stupidity in stating that they would like 'the old Shannon' to return. It is statements like this that are proof-positive that the human race is becoming less compassionate, less inteligent, and more selfish. The Shannon you are now is the same Shannon that has been in existence for 14 years, based on the common concensus that our personalities are solidified by the age of 6. You might be a little older, a little wiser, and carry a little more responsibility but the same inner child remains. Slow down, discharge, and listen to her tiny voice. She is probabily screaming, but in between the mobile phone calls, bills, moronic people, and overwhelming influx baring down on the senses, you probabily cannot hear her. Find those that truely love you and keep them close, simple touchstones to stay balanced and do a bit of reality checking. They aren't asking for much, just to stay in the same orbit and cross paths from time to time. It's our lot in life as moths, we can only circle the light so many times before we become incinerated. We know and we accept. Still...the Earth has it's satelite, without it the she would tumble end over end, destroying herself. So perhaps we can be of some use after all...besides who doesn't want people to love them? That is geneticly in-built and programed behaviour.
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