Poo and Roses

Yeah, so I clearly had a really bad night the night I posted last. Actually I had a really bad week. But not really, now that I think about it. That last post reflected exactly how I felt at that moment, which I'm glad that I take note of because I don't feel like THAT all the time. And while I may have intrusive thoughts, it rarely distresses me to that point.

I have realized that I have never fought for my well being as hard as I'm fighting right now. Before, I wasn't fighting at all, I was conceding. Then I'd waver back and forth. But now, recently, the intrusive thoughts and the desire to self-soothe with destructive habits have been present relentlessly. The nasty anaconda of dread that sits in my stomach and makes food look disgusting is still there, but I have to fight it and nourish myself anyway. I notice myself falling behind at work if I indulge in my urge to just forgo breakfast...

Then lunch. Well now two meals are skipped, now I gotta skip dinner to make it an even day. And because it's a Friday, I might as well call the whole weekend a wash...

No! No! No!! I don't want the headache. I need to eat. I don't like the feeling that I'm going to collapse if someone blows air at me. I need to just do it, this will pass.

The thoughts invade every aspect of my life I allow it to.
Sometimes I can't find the time to write, and when I do, it wasn't what I wanted, and I'm disappointed with it.

Who were you to think you could actually write a book. You've been back and forth with this for years now. Just give up. No one actually cares, they just like watching a train wreck and your train wrecking happens so often it's getting boring.
No one will want to read it.

NO! I have to finish this, I don't care if no one buys it , it is about finishing it. I don't care if no one wants to read what I've written, writing helps me and this will be a huge milestone in my life. This is one of the dreams I didn't give up. Even at my sickest, I still held on to this one. Finish it. Finish. You can do it, there are people reading you because they want to , not because it's a train wreck. You don't want to fight this hard and fail because you didn't try. Fail if it happens on its own, but don't make it self distruction...for once, Shannon, for once....

You don't deserve to love and be loved again. You have way too much baggage, you're broken, you're used up, you're not normal. You had your chances. Everyone will laugh at you if you ever entertain the thought of marriage, forever, family again....

Why not? Why not be happy finally? Who wants to be normal? I never thought I was anyway. I have fun. I love fun. I don't want to live for pleasing people anymore. I care about me. I care about my kids. They are happy when I'm happy. I deserve love. I have plenty of it. I can enjoy it without guilt.

These are just a few of the struggles I face, with the intrusive or unhealthy thoughts being italicized and the fire inside me trying so hard to counter it boldly.
Some days it works. Some days the bold voice isn't so bold. Sometimes it forgets its lines and I have to get creative to counter all that bad. The negative voice is only a whisper, only a hint, a suggestion sometimes, but it might as well take screaming to force it out so I can continue doing the things I planned to do that day without interruption.

This shit is hard. I'm not even gonna lie. I'm past the point of being ashamed of the demons I face I just want them to shut the hell up. As long as I still want to win, I can safely say I'm safe. It doesn't make the constant fighting less exhausting though. It doesn't mean I don't fantasize about being thin again. It doesn't mean I don't stare at my reflection and look at all the things I want to change. It doesn't mean I don't sneak looks at the calorie count on the back. It doesn't mean that I don't feel like a wuss for leaving the gym after a 30 minute workout knowing that I could have gone another hour before my body gets weak. I finally have a counter argument for everything that whispers I'm not good enough, doing enough, thin enough, perfect enough. I need to fight myself. I am my worst enemy. I am my own champion. I am my challenger. Me - not everyone else. Not the old broad at work who works so hard to get under my skin because she's perpetually miserable...please...people like her are a dime a dozen, disposable, sad, and empty and they know it. They deploy the mentality that if they aren't happy, nobody is happy. They're everywhere. I don't waste my energy arguing with them although I have been known to ruffle their feathers a bit...their attacks are absurd, amusing, and as self-serving as they are unnecessary. Not worth more than a fleeting thought.

Nope..so I know my battle has always been with myself - - my champion is fighting, and has been the whole time....except this time I can hear the enemy advancing, I can feel the vibration of swords clashing, the thunder and the rain consuming me, I can feel the wound bleeding. I can feel the ambush and the panic, I sit with it and I fight through it and it manifests itself as physical pain, and I don't take a pill. I don't have a drink. It changes like a virus into emotional pain and the cement anaconda in my gut says Im not hungry, it's uncomfortable to get out of bed, to get dressed, to ask for help. I used to imagine the cement anaconda stretched out like a line from head to tail. I'd get on the elliptical and pedal and every ten minutes a tiny bit of the bar would disappear and I'd go until I could no longer see him. I'd starve and let my body feed off the snake for nourishment until it could no longer go. And then I'd go one more day past that. I still feel those things, as real as they always were....when they resurface , I fight again. It's tiring. The swords clash, the rain pours, there is sand in my eyes and I feel all these things inside of me - - and I fight it, and I fight it, and I fight it, and it makes me tired and weak because it's all in my head - and I still have to function on the outside. I have to, because there is no other choice. And sometimes it takes days. The sun does eventually come out...and it exposes the cement anaconda for what it is - dread, anxiety, doubt , and it dissolves into sand, and I pick it up and I carry it to my garden and use it to plant beautiful seeds. I water that garden with the rain that fell and collected into my garden pail. I imagine I have fruit trees and vegetables and beautiful flowers, with colors no one thought existed until they saw my garden. And when snakes and storms and pain threaten me, I will have a beautiful place to go and stay until the sun comes out again, like it always does. I will take care of my garden and it will take care of me.

My garden is my soul. My garden has been broken down, torn apart, and fertilized with fresh shit, and there are weeds that threaten the seeds I put down. It needs the rain to grow. I don't like it, but that's how it is. I don't like constantly pulling the weeds that seem to have shot up and grown insane roots overnight. I can't just abandon my garden again and leave it barren and desolate and dying. I reaped what I sowed, which was nothing. I dug a hole and left it there to find it still empty when I returned and then I cried. I watered it with my tears and watched as a cement anaconda coiled up, filling the space, and then I blamed my garden's demise on a snake infestation.

Today my garden has seeds, and I planted them despite the rain. Like it or not, my seeds need the awful rain as much as they need the gracious sun to sprout and grow and nourish me later. The shit I had to go through is still there, serving its purpous to fertilize my crop. Fertilizer, not shit. Not wasted tears,not wasted time,not wasted life. No reason to be ashamed of being waist deep in shit when you're in a garden..surrounded and investing in the promise of new life. It's not feces anymore, it is necessary if I want to enjoy the beautiful flowers I've promised myself, or to taste the fruit of my labor. What is my other choice? Seeds that stay seeds. Potential that never develped. Little what-ifs that sit there and always promise but can't deliver.

A shitless garden will never produce beauty.

So I'll scatter my seeds and if I play my cards right I'll have the most beautiful, abundant garden, and it will take care of me because I allowed it to grow and best of all, I will share it with everyone. Some may love it there, and some may choke on the pits. I will share graciously and not worry whether or not whatever comes up is to their liking. They have their own gardens to tend to, their own holes to fill, their own weeds to pull. Their own snakes to fend off, their own seeds to reap and sow....and of course, their very own special fertilizer to make it all grow...or not.

Imagine what the world would be like if everyone fertilized their seeds. If everyone died and told their maker truthfully that they used every gift they were given. Would it be worth getting your hands dirty? Would it be worth it to sit alone through a monsoon if the weather on the other side was the most beautiful you'd ever seen? I'm not saying everyone has to have an epic fallout like I did....but it sure seems like things are on the upswing most of the time.
(even if there are some brief,yucky storms here and there)

I'll take it!!!!

Border Threat

It's some unreasonable time in the morning and I'm feeling so panicked that I can't get to sleep and it's one of those times that all I can do is write about it.

Things have been going so well lately, and I thought I was completely better. I've been seeing and doing and loving and conquering, so I'm very disappointed that I'm dealing with this right now. It sneaks in like a snake and settles like a virus and begins to attack everything I've built.

Here are the ways you still don't measure up...here is what you still aren't doing right, here is what you'll never do and you should just quit trying...and here is a new person to compare yourself to that you'll never be, you can't touch, and will never hold a candle to...

I don't know when I let it in. I know this is unreasonable. Maybe this is normal, I don't know...I had a great weekend, I've been happy, I have embraced this new curvy little body, so why at 2am is my subconscious trying to talk me into destroying it again.....oh, sweetie, not destroy, just modify.....just a little....

I know better, I know better, I know better. What I want to do right this second is go to the gym until the anxiety is gone. Three hours later my heart will want to burst yet this nasty snake within will be able to reassure me I feel better. Until I have to do it again.


I havent done anything yet. I haven't acted on any impulses. Is this normal, is this bad, is this winning? I feel horrible. I almost restricted this weekend when I lost my laptop, then I ate a huge meal and it took e v e r y cell in my body to keep it down. I am not kidding, it took every, every, every bit of willpower. I feel bad for even having these thoughts and before I got them under control, it was like mind porn. The bathing suit I need to fit into soon...the uniforms I can't afford to replace at work that I squeeze into...my arms looked like sausages in a fitting room this weekend. I know this is wrong. I know it's wrong, but this feeling of inadequacy unlocks it and I don't know how to kick it out, I dont know!! I don't want to start this again and my logical mind is telling me that this is normal and things will be just fine and it is always my choice to either deal with it in a healthy way or not. I hesitate to even hit publish on this because I don't want the ones I love to think, Oh my God here we go AGAIN...will she ever stop this? Will she ever grow up? And then I realize it's that same little people pleasing self destroying viral snake at work again. My real friends who know me would know I'm stonger now, because I am stronger now. Because I am. Right?

Riight.....

Oatmeal and Rain

It's a rainy day here in NYC and I just ventured downstairs to get coffee. I didn't find a St. Arbucks but it doesn't mean there wasn't one nearby. A little cafe called Fresco on the Go grabbed my attention where I got oatmeal, coffee, and a banana. And, my therapists at Renfrew will be happy to know that I am eating my banana like a monkey instead of cutting it into a million pieces. I did drop a few pieces into my oatmeal though. Wonder if that would have been allowed?

The concierge was really nice, he noticed I did not have an umbrella. So he gave me one to use all day. Sure is nice being fancy for the day.

Anyway , time to start writing. I'm right on schedule!!

TTYL!!

"The Agenda"

Okay, so here I am, sitting like a Princess in the Omni Hotel in Manhattan laying out my day. I'm going to type it and publish it so that I am accountable. Otherwise I will screw around.

It took me an hour to figure out the wireless internet. You either have to pay 9.95 a month or, charge it to the room, which I am not paying for, so that would be rude, OR, you sign up for their frequent guest program. I chose to sign up for the frequent guest program, knowing that I really won't be back unless I start making money. :-D

i will meet David tonight at some fancy restaurant for dinner at 7:30. I am pretty sure the name is not Areola, but it does remind me of that word and i'm gonna have to get him to resend me the name because no fancy restaurant would be named after a nipple. Why am I so weird???

ANYWAY.

So, I am already awake and showered. Next order of business is to go find the nearest


Starbucks and procure some coffee. So let's say, 9:15 I venture out and get coffee and make my way immediately back. I will give myself until 10. I will get myself all set up to write and will call publisher at 1030. Probably talk to him and take notes for an hour.

Then, we'll wrap things up and I'll decide where I want to go for lunch. it will need to be close. I need to be back in the room by 1230 so that I can write until 245 where I will treat myself to a visit to the MET to see the Egypt room if I get at least 2500 - 5000words done. I also need to go pick up a dress for our fancy dinner at the Nipple Restaurant. I totally forgot to bring nice stuff for fancy dinners.

Then at 630 I will get ready to meet David at 730 and we'll have dinner and be fancy and then I'll have a rum and coke times two, giggle alot and then get sleepy. That's my plan.

I have twenty minutes to find a starbucks. GO GO GO!!

Sitting Nosey.

So, as you read in my previous blog , I am sitting in this restauranty loungey area at LaGuardia Airport in NYC and these people just comandeered my corner. They are talking really loudly. Their group consists of three gays and their queen who I assumed all work for the same company because as soon as they turned their laptops on they started talking about conference calls and meetings and the gays sucked up to the girl even more. They aren't dressed very professionally, all in jeans and tshirts so I decided it was going to be a challenge to figure out where they work.

I dont know for sure if these guys are gays or not, but they sure ass kiss like they are. and I would know, because I myself am queen of my own herd.

ANYWAY.

So I made a game out of figuring out who the heck they were and what they were doing because they were talking so obnoxiously loud that they probably wanted me to know anyway.

Then one of them talked about Blocking HIV Diagnoses and then another one piped in about some kind of medical something or other and I got really interested. Then the Queen said that she was going to wake up the minds with free coffee at the conference table and then one of her faithful gayish followers says "OH SUSAN WHITE YOU ARE AN ANIMAL!!" (that's not her real name) and so I googled that name and "pharmacy" because they were talking about medical crap and medicine, but not in a doctory way, and BAM I found a linkedin profile with the picture of the queen her self but slightly heavier (she must be working too many hours). They work for a software implementation company for pharmaceuticals based in Madison Wisconsin. But they dont sound Wisconsinish you betcha.

Anyway that took all of five minutes and I still have an hour and a half to kill before David gets here. I'm still not sharing the outlet and my battery is completely charged up. HA HA.

I feel kind of stalkery. Was that bad?

I'm bored. Should I drink and blog?

UPDATE: one of the gayish isn't gay he just talked about visiting his fiancee's 90 year old grandmother and last I checked Wisconsin doesn't allow gay marriage you betcha. So he's just a disgusting suckup.

I just ordered a rum and coke so I could hog the outlet longer.

Livin the dream.....

UPDATE UPDATE!!

I'm laughing because either it's a good rum and coke or because David just emailed me and said they werent leaving yet because a falling suitcase just smacked someone. So I went on WendysAirlines.com to look up the flight status and it says it's delayed due to aircraft maintenance. I guess there isnt a delay code for someone getting owned by a carryon. Carryons are like 40 lbs and I bet that hurt. Ha haha. *sippppp*

The queen is having mussels and spaghetti. The follower on her left inhaled his spaghetti and the two on her right had gigantic hamburgers and stopped acting so suckupish as they cram food down their gullet. i am re evaluating their orientation.

Still hogging the outlet and i heard one complain about battery shortage. HA HA HA!!

UPDATE x 3 ...

My laptop is fully charged. I moved my phone to the charger because it needs some love. ha ha ha. Then the waitress brought them the bill and my food was on it because she thought we were together. I laughed. In that case give me 8 rum and cokes........

David's plane is on its way. I guess the luggage smackdown got resolved.

Oh, they're leaving. NOW what am I gonna do>>>

Sitting Ugly

I made it on the flight to LaGuardia after an hour and a half of playing gate ping-pong between the flight I got on, the other LaGuardia flight and the Newark (least desireable) flight. None of them had seats. At the last minute I heard my name calld two gates away. YES!! I'm getting on to LaGuardia!! Now I can sit here and wait for David.

I'm here in NYC to work on my book and David is on his way in for business. I will tackle my writing while he tackles the banking world. Or whatever it is he does.
He should be here in two hours.

I'm really annoyed because this group of people just hijacked my table here at this restaurant and didn't even ask me if anyone was going to be sitting with me. I mean, no one is, but is it THAT obvious?!

I am trying to kill time while I wait for David so that I don't have to go into the city by myself. I found the airport spa and figured that getting my eyebrows waxed would be a good way to waste time. It was very painful. She decided to tweeze them not wax them. I prefer wax, and I see that they have wax but for some reason I do not know she would not permit me to enjoy it. I am aware that tweezing is more painful than waxing. Well, not really, it's JUST AS, but at least with waxing you get it all in one painful RRRIIPPPP!!! Tweezing is a painful pluck again and again and again. And because I'm lazy and I let my eyebrows grow into a jungle before I do them again (i dread getting them done) they are always very VERY deeply rooted by the time anyone gets to them.

So, I was kind of hoping that I would kill some time getting the eyebrows done, but when she started I was kind of then hoping that it would be over very very quickly. I tried to imagine that it wasnt hurting, but it was hurting so bad that I was distracted. I tried to breathe and find my center like they tell you to do when you aer having a baby. Then I resorted to wondering how many people actually have to stop a tweezing because they're crying like a little bitch. that's right. no one. So in the end, bullying myself into staying won out.

When she was done, she showed me the mirror and they didn't really look that much better. And my eyebrows are ALL RED. I look rediculous. And then she charged me twenty dollars. Which is exhorbitant for eyebrow torture. I pretty much got "owned". I had considered getting a pedicure but I realized it might cost a hundred billion dollars and I'd rather spend that on Gucci knockoff bags. Wait, I'm not going shopping IM WRITING!! GOSH!!

So now I'm sitting here in this restaurant with people who seem very nice and friendly sitting in my cozy corner but they in fact are not and I do not feel bad hogging the outlet because they dont feel bad hogging my chairs.

:)

I know, that was a really lame entry but whatever

MORE LATER!!

ATWTTM!!! -Snn

Preparation + Opportunity = ROCKBAND?

So yesterday was a complete bust as far as writing went, but I'm not scheduled to begin complete isolation overdrive until Monday so that's okay. As far as family time went though, yesterday was awesome.

My son and I discovered how to connect the XBox to the internet so we can download more songs. It was insane. First I downloaded them all and then we mastered them. We rocked out for like four hours from 9am until 1 when we got hungry for lunch. So we had brunch at Cracker Barrel until we could pick Bailey up at 2:30. After that we played more Rock Band until
the guitar ran out of batteries. We got more batteries stat. Then we went to Chuck E. Cheese. Evidently Chuck E Cheese hosts "Single Older Men Take Your Kids To Play" night because there were several groups of two or three kids with an older dad who stayed on his BlackBerry or Laptop and would occasionally say "uh huh" "GREAT!" or pull out some more bills. No wedding rings.

One of them actually approached me and told me he liked my Uggs. He was walking toward me. The Uggs tag is on the back of the boot. He has obviously been trying to figure out what to say for a while. I mean at least he appreciates a good expensive boot. I said "Thank You." and he went to sit down. Then he noticed Eban's Ugg's on his next trip to the soda fountain. I noticed his soda wasn't empty. He said "Wow, your kids have Uggs too." I nodded yes. It was awkward. Joel bought us all Uggs for Christmas. He fed my addiction but my kids couldn't really care less. But they're steppin out in style now too. Anyway, the guy came back again as his kids were trying figure out what to get at the candy counter. He kind of paused. Asked me if I mind if he sat down. I don't really mind if he sits down but I know where this is going and I knew I had to deny him. Because I think he's interested. And I'm seeing someone. And he's just not attractive. And I'm at fricking Chuck E Cheese. It's really hard to imagine being picked up while this lady is changing her kid's crappy diaper blow out on the table behind me and the screaming six year old ten feet away is trying to get BlackBerry dad's attention with no success. There's also a really fat lady asleep at her table in my eyesight line and she's been that way for about an hour and I wonder if she's dead. This is just a bad time for this.

Yeah, No. I say. I just went through a divorce and the kids havent seen me with anyone yet. Might be awkward.
He agrees. I smell that diaper behind me and I wonder if the mother fed that kid dead skunk glazed with tar. Is that even healthy? Probably not. That kid needs to go to the doctor for reals. Should that little girl be on top of that air hockey machine? Oh crap my kids just blew their coin stash on that light slap jackpot thing. I'm sorry, sir, what was that again?

He says..."Well like I said before, I really like your shoes." and he walks away. I can totally see him damning himself for such a lame pickup line. I wanna make him feel better and tell him he never had a chance to begin with , and it had nothing to do with his method of execution. Then I realize that's not nice. I'm pretty sure if my current interest hit on my in Chuckie Cheese, I'd still be so preoccupied with the twelve year old trying to cram himself in Chuck E Cheese's little sidecar to take a photo and the pungent smell of death and spoiled milk resonating behind me.

Looks like Fat Lady is up from her nap. Her kids are sitting there asking her to leave. Crap!! They must have been there all day! Whose kids actually ASK to leave? Wow.

BlackBerry dad is asking ticket counter lady how much to just buy that piece o crap Barbie Knockoff with a Chuckie Cheese shirt on and he's mad because it's $30.00. That's funny.

Chuckie Cheese is just a mess.

So we came home and played RockBand for a few more hours and went to sleep . I did however attempt to get in touch with my photographer who needs to schedule a shoot with me very soon. My phone dropped the call. So I texted publisher and he texted her and we have a phone pow wow at 1230.

So, since I'm gonna be so completely focused on this book pretty soon I'm really glad I got some good family time in.
I work tonight at the airport. The next day I have a Rock Band date with friends. Monday I'll be in NYC and I'll be devoting the whole two days there to writing. If I get my crap done I will reward myself with a trip to MOMA to see Starry Night.
then the whole week will be spent in isolation until Saturday where I will go to San Francisco with Sweet David and chain myself to my laptop even longer while he is in business meetings. Sounds fun!!!

Kisses!!!! Time to get ready for work!

Snn

It's GO Time.

You're now reading the blog of someone who is officially under the gun from her publisher. And by under the gun I mean if I don't finish this book STAT I'm going to get some kind of painful beating. They won't even let me give up. Because there are sometimes when things slow, sometimes I get too busy, sometimes I thnk it's going nowhere and the writing stops. Today I learned that they believe in my project so much that it is GOING to happen, and it can happen the easy way (which isn't easy) and the hard way. Which might very well involve Chinese water torture.
(does that really hurt?)

I have taken paid vacation from work from the 22nd of February thru the 5th of March and with the exception of three preplanned days in San Francisco, 8-12 hours per day will be expected to be spent on this project. I have been warned that I will be accountable every day for a certain amount of words.

The cover concept and photo shoot for publicity shots will happen during that time, and the publisher will begin to promote the project and its overwhelmed writer on its website.

Welcome to what might be HELL.

I plan on using this blog as a venting area. Because I'm going to be tied to my computer practically. I'm going to be pissed. I'm going to be delirious. But I'm going to be writing. And if anyone wonders what it's like to get a book deal from start to finish , stick around. :-D

Through the internet, my blabber mouth has made public the complete fallapart of my life. I hope you'll all continue to support me as it gets put back together in an amazing, exciting way.

Many of my readers here come from USAViation.com and the "Wendy's" schtick. Many of my readers don't even know this is an internet blog because I've somehow gotten this to post directly to my facebook page (I dont know how to make it stop) but the direct link to this site is internationalshannon.blogspot.com. Many of my readers are family members who think I have no idea that I'm actually posting for the world to see. Then there are those who read this just to find ways to use it against me.

However you found me, however you know me, whatever the reason is that you're still here....I appreciate you. Even those who don't agree with this.

It's go time! Watch me go.




Love You ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON!!!!!!!!!!

ADD times 3

Lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!!!

This morning has been crazy (and unfortunately, that's more normal than I'd like to admit)! I enjoy the privelege of living across the street from Bailey's school so that I can get up later and just walk her or drive her across in two seconds. This morning started out like any other, wake up ten minutes too late, coax Bailey out of bed, (thank God she had her bath last night) get her dressed and fed and out the door.

Except it's not as easy as it sounds. Getting her out of bed consists of sweetly kissing her cheek. Then shoving her shoulder til she stirs.

Me: Bailey wake up.
Bailey: mmpphffphhh
Me: Get up , we're late
Bailey: (jerks covers over head and makes defiant moan, turns her back toward me)
Me: GET UP!!

(go over to ipod and crank irritating music)

Bailey doesn't like the noise but still won't get up. Eban sleeps like a rock.

Next I start making breakfast. Now breakfast is ready.

Bailey is snoring again.

Me: BAILEY GET UP NOWNOWNOW!!!
Bailey: MOM!!!!

She still hasn't opened her eyes.

Now it's time for the spray bottle. I wish I were kidding. I have this little travel water bottle with a sprayer on it and I mist her right in the face.

This really gets her attention. She jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom because suddenly she has to pee. It takes like 5 mintues. I am wondering what she's doing. She's digging through my makeup.

BAILEY!! Don't touch my stuff, get in here and eat!!

I start eating. BAILEY!!! Come on!!!

Bailey: Just a minute!!

I go look through the crack of the door and she's stomping around in my Uggs and it smells suspiciously like my perfume. 7:45. We're due out at 8am.

I get on her for stealing my perfume, I get on her for stealing my makeup and there is no way my ten year old is going to her Christian conservative baptist school smelling and looking like Britney Spears.

I have to dunk her into the bath again. She fights like a wet dog.

Finally I get her fed. Finally I get her ready (again) after three outfit protests and a threat to throw the XBOX out the window (ha! I'd never do that I love Rock Band too much!) she is dressed. It's 7:56.

Scoop Eban up, who is still sleeping, wrap him in a blanket and carry him to the car. Bailey's picking flowers behind me. BAILEY!!!!!

I finally get her in the car, and it looks like we're going to make it by 8. Then she casually mentions that she forgot to fill our her Valentine's Cards, and they're in Daddy's car. CRAP!!!

Now she won't have Valentine Cards!! DAMMIT!!!

I frantically call her dad, who is on his way into town for work. He has the cards. It's 759. We skid into the parking lot at the same time, dirt flying everywhere, bewildered parents looking up and then realizing oh, it's just us. We are always doing damage control for her.

Jason jumps into the seat next to me and we dump out these Valentine cards all over the place. Bailey is in the back seat having a thumb wrestling match with herself. Eban is asleep again. Jason has sweat on his brow, and I'm frustrated because I can't read the handwriting on Bailey's class list. Is that kid's name really Dorcus?

Whatever. I fill out the cards and then I realize some of them say from: Shannon. CRAP!!! Jason is hastily folding them, sticking and animal tattoo and a pencil in and is throwing back the Valentines lovingly sent from me.

Now I've realized I've addressed three Valentine's TO Bailey instead of FROM her. CRAP!!! Now we're late, and Bailey wants to watch Stuart Little on the car dvd. Are you kidding me? BAILEY TAKE YOUR ADD MEDICINE!! Crap, no wonder! So she goes through her backpack and I have nothing for her to chase it with but Dr. Pepper. God, Im so awful.

She takes it, and somewhere in the mess of tattoos and valentines and heart stickers, Bailey is reopening them and going "I wanted Sarah to have the giraffe"
OMGOMGOMG!!!!!

This would be frustrating in any situation, but this reminds me of the time we forgot about her magazine sale and we were in the parking lot playing eenie meenie miney moe and picking subscriptions just so she could earn this stupid field trip and an obnoxious kazoo like the other kids. I'm really excited when I get my Dollhouse Crafter magazine every month. It goes right to the trash. I guess the Rolling Stone is okay,and the Travel and Liesure, but Dollhouse Crafter and Autocad Whatever are a subtle monthly reminder that we are so damn dysfunctional it's amusing to the other parents.

When you put two extremely ADD people together, they create this uber-helix ADD dna that makes it impossible to have a normal life. I know, what is normal anyway? This is our normal. It's hard enough to passt he backpack back and forth and make sure we all got the memo. We never get the memo.

I dropped Bailey back off to her teacher, four tattoos on her cheek and all, with no apology, no explanation because at this point it's not even needed. As long as Bailey is in her seat by 8:15 the teacher will not complain. I got her there as the clock turned. Jason went on to work, and Eban, the sleeping angel and I went back home. Then we realize we have forgotten her lunch.

Game. Set. Match. Good one, Life. You're really a bword sometimes.

Meh. :)

ATWTTM

The Sun Must Be on Vacay

Just when the airport was calming down from the last storm we had, word is that we're getting another weather beatdown starting tonight. Fantastic. At least today is my Friday and I have the next two days off. I am not, repeat NOT, doing any overtime over the next two days NO MATTER WHAT. I need some rest, my apartment needs some attention, and my kids need some snuggles. :-D That all sounds lovely!

I just really hope this nasty weather doesnt extend into the weekend because I have plans and I'm looking forward to them. Blah.

Eban woke up with a slight cough in the middle of the night so I had to go get him some cough medicine today. It was really frustrating to go into Wal Mart and see that all of the cough medicine is locked up. Seriously? Now we're locking up the Delsym? What the heck is WRONG with people? If people wanna get jacked up off Nyquil I say let them. I mean, we're not locking up the hand sanitizer. They could drink that right? Maybe some rubbing alcohol? Would that make a buzz? How about perhaps getting completely loaded off Pine Sol. Has anyone tried that? You could be completely screwed up and smell lemony fresh all at the same time. I mean, I dont know what the alcohol content in Pine Sol is , or if there even is any, but I'm sure it would do something to you. Then they checked my ID for the Delsym. Hello. I have a snotting child right here with me and this was after they scanned my wine - no questions asked. Weird.

Anyway time to go to work!!! Later Taters!

ATWTTM

Monday Sleepy Monday

It's Monday !! The days keep flying by now that I have been working so much. Today I did another double. Thankfully the northeastern flights are leaving. Finally. I can breathe in the airport again.

I tried to work on my Portuguese this morning during my break but the breakroom was so loud with people stomping around going WHO DAT WHO DAT (re: the Saints winning the Superbowl) that my microphone wouldn't pick up anything but the background noise. I guess work isn't the best place to practice unless it's on the passengers. ha ha.

Everyone keeps talking about the Bachelor. I guess he's cute. I don't think he's anything to lose sleep over. Plus they make this big to-do about him being a pilot. Do these women even understand that he flies for a REGIONAL CARRIER?! Why are they trying to glamourize that? There is nothing to glamourize. This is how it works in the industry these days....the young pilots fly for the express pilots on the 50-70 seat aircraft, on the verge of getting laid off/furloughed any time earnings/losses are posted...and the pilots that make decent money are extremely senior flying transatlantic long hauls and pissed about their union contracts they spent the last 200 years negotiating. Plus they're around women all day long. Women who mistakenly think pilots have it all.
Nothing against pilots, I'm just saying.....theyre making an express pilot seem like he flies P.Diddy around and does everything to the nines. HA HA... if the plane they fly doesn't have a first class cabin you can still expect your dream date to be at TGI Friday's. Not to say there arent plenty of sweet pilots who manage their money well.....just don't expect a regional pilot to be your sugar daddy. Which is what those tragic status climbers are after anyway. That or attention. Mehh... I just generally don't like those dating shows and I specifically don't like the way those girls act like they are in love. They are not.

Wow, that turnedi nto a little bit of a hostile rant didn't it? Well i'm not feeling hostile, I actually had a good lunch break. I left and visited my sweetie for a bit and then went to Dairy Queen for a milk shake. I had a french silk pie shake. They make it with cocolate mousse. OMG...soooo good. but now I have a headache because there was too much sugar in it. :(

Not too much else going on. Work work work all week. Just posting up here for the sake of writing so I don't get rusty.

Love all the way to the moon!!!

Shannon

Clearing Brain Cache

I am so worn out I can barely stand it. I've been working lots of overtime at work, some of it I volunteered for, but most of it has been mandatory overtime due to the winter storm that is slamming the northeast. PIT, PHL, DCA, IAD, BWI - - forget it. The flights have been canceling for days and these people are all stranded here staring at me. They all want me to know that they have been here since Friday. They all want me to know why they are traveling. They want me to know what is waiting on them, what consequences face them when they arrive late and they want to damn me for making the weather bad.

I feel empathy for them but after awhile I just get overwhelmed because there is nowhere to put these people! Nowhere! It's really exhausting, but that's how it's been, the days have been long and the nights have been late. I dont even know what I would do if I were in that situation. I feel so bad telling someone they're not getting home for a few days. I have to be careful though because once these people detect weakness or sympathy they tend to jump all over it, to squeeze whatever favors they can out of me while the 30 people in line behind them strain forward to listen to what I am doing so they can demand the same favor.

Anyway, the overtime has been plentiful. Which is good because that plus my impending tax refund will help me with a down payment on a new car. I really want another Barbiecar. I love it when the sun is on my skin and in my hair. HA like that has happened any time recently......but whatever. David's going to help me look at cars and make sure that I don't get all impulsive and buy the first thing I see. I have the worst impulse control.

The week has been nice....I spent fleeting moments with David the sweetie. Lots of time with the kiddos. And as I said before, the rest of my life belonged to work.
I guess that's just how it goes now til this book is done.

This new laptop is speedy and sleek and awesome. I've been practicing my Rosetta Stones PORTUGUESE!!! I wonder how many languages my brain can actually fit. Probably gotta be filling up soon.

Well, I would write more but I can feel myself falling asleep. It's almost time to be off work. I hope I dont fall asleep driving the A380 Excursion home. That would be bad.

Love all the way to the other planets. Hooray new car shopping!! We'll SEE!!

SNN

Dancing Queen

Hello fishies!! So, I thought I'd come to my little soapbox on the web and just kinda write today. I don't really have a topic but I feel like doing it anyway.

Guess what!! Last week I met someone really lovely. I'm really excited about this because ...well....it's exciting. I know you're all probably wondering what about NoelNotRoss....well, don't worry, he's still here :) We are very very best friends.

This person and I were set up by a third party. :) Weeeeee met at Starbucks. Weeeee had coffee. And that is all I am going to say about that. We have seen each other since then, and it's just lovely. But that's all I can really say because we both have kids and both have just emerged from some hard times - so we're just taking it as slow as we possibly can.

But it's fun because it's a new thing and it's exciting and there's this "where is this gonna go" kinda feeling going on and it makes me happy and it scares me and it makes me wanna rub it in at my ex. (for no good reason, and that is definitely immature) I actually tried to do that but he was the bigger person and acted happy for me. That's because he's had someone else for a bit so I guess he has no reason to be jealous. Whatever, good for him I hope he has 200 babies. All girls. Born under fire zodiac signs. With expensive taste. Hahahaha. I joke. Kind of. I actually am happy for him too.

But right now, every song on the radio is making sense and I feel like Amy Adams in Enchanted running around Central Park with birdies perching on her finger and woodland cartoon animals following me around with smiles and eyes that look like they're on a sugar high singing about sunshine lollipops and rainbows.

It's been a year since my ex and I split so I'm giving myself permission to feel this way. It was really difficult at first, but why the hell not? He's moved past it, I spent enough time wallowing in misery (that didn't really work out very well) I think I deserve to the opportunity to love and be love, to love and feel loved and to enjoy it and just let it go wherever it goes because no matter what happens with this dreamy person, I am thankful for the burst of new life he brings with him.

I think that this beautiful euphoria is the "stuff of life" the part that we (or maybe just I) get addicted to. I'm well aware that it fades with time...I was meeting him for dinner a few nights ago and the song "I hope you dance" came on.
I listened to the words and they just made sense.....and it's one thing I'm not ashamed of in my life...I have always danced. I have always taken risks. Sometimes foolish ones, but that's just what happens....when I decided to sit out, my life fell apart all around me. So, the only logical thing to do is dance again, dancing through life is the only way I know how.

I was working a flight by myself the other night and I just randomly burst into giggles. I'm pretty sure the passengers thought I was drunk. I'd mean to say "have a nice night" but I actually said "Have a nice life" which sounded awkward, so I'd start laughing again and people around me would laugh and I'd pick up the PA and announce boarding to Nashville when it was really Providence. Then I'd say "nice to meet you" and people would laugh some more and tell me I was cute and I'd hug them and it was just absolutely rediculous. By the time it was all over I had the whole plane going 1-2-3 BYE SHANNON!!!

I don't know what was wrong with me.....but it was fun.

Well, that's all for now. I will update more later. I also have a lot of writing on the book to do, thank GOD my publishers are behind on their current project because I'm so freaking behind on mine right now. The ending keeps changing !!!!

Love you to the moon.

SNN

Happy New Year!!!

I am not going to make any new year's resolutions because I don't want to piss myself off by not meeting them. Wait, yes I do. I resolve to go to Rome this weekend. There we go :)

Anyways I just wanted to update this little space here and share my joy that 2009 is over. It's SO OVER! WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!

It is so nice to know that since I already hit rock bottom, it is unlikely it will happen again. How wonderful!!!

Have a great new year everyone!! Love you all the way to the moon!!!

SNN

iTired.

I just finished about 4,000 words. None of them about being naked. After my impromptu motivational session with my publisher, I am very very pleased with the amount of productivity that became of this afternoon. Now it's almost time to go play airport.

Talked about the title and theme for the cover and photo shoot for the promotion of my little masterpiece. Big reveal coming soon, where I'll link everyone to their website and there will be a cover mock-up in the near future.

I have been so back and forth with where I do and don't want it to go that I have agreed with McPubby in that I need to just.....sorry for being gross.....splooge figuratively all over the page and let them decide what makes the babies.

I know. I know. I feel terrible. That was sick. First the naked blog and now this.

iSorry.

Not Really.

Tee hee! Nice to have silly moods back again here and there. I missed myself.

ATWTTM. XOXO -S

iNaked.

I am actually sitting at my laptop right now naked. Not because I'm horny. Not because I'm lazy....but because for some compulsive reason I need to type naked in order to feel completely relaxed.

It is times like these when I wonder if I am normal. For example, when I jump on a trampoline with my kids, I can't help but pee my pants a little. And sometimes when I laugh too hard. And sometimes when I sneeze. I felt very ashamed and embarrassed about it, but then one day I decided to google it to see if other people had that problem. I was surprised to realize that the reason I do that is because after you have kids, that muscle relaxes a little bit from the trauma of childbirth. You don't ever really notice the change unless you are doing something - like jumping on a trampoline.

Once I realized that it was perfectly normal, all the shame associated with it disappeared. Of course because I'm still not normal, I have to take it one step further and spread the gift of knowledge to my other mommy friends. It's called stress incontinence and the solution is Kegel excercises. In case you guys wanted to know.

Me: HEY!!! When you jump on a trampoline, do you pee a little?
Friend: OMG Yeah!! Every time!!! I used to love jumping on the trampoline and it sucks to have to run in and change my underwear!!
Me: Yeah...wait Ew. how much do you pee?! That's gross.
Friend: (silent)

Just KIDDING!!!! Annnyway......

I like to think of it as a little public service. Ha ha ha...okay not really...

And here I am, sitting at my laptop working on my writing and I'm naked because it's the only way I feel comfortable right now. I think I will google that and see if it gets any hits.....

...I may have spoken too soon. It appears that "working on book naked" and "writing only when naked" did not produce anyone like me. All I found were books with "naked" in the title, or "GO TO WORK ...NAKED!" advertisements that were basically those work-from-home-get-rich-quick gimmicks that thought putting the word naked in there was clever. It makes me wonder what kind of jobs people might have been searching for if they were including the word "naked" in their job search. Since their search was actually fruitful does that make them less abnormal than me?

No, today I am not normal....and that actually pleases me. But not in a dirty way. Also, it is important to note that I am not naked because I am having sexy thoughts. The air conditioning just feels so good on my skin - the perfect temperature in the apartment. I need everything to be perfect so that I can write really good material. Really good relevant material. But not like this. Because this has nothing to do with what I intended to write about today however, I think I will keep it.

Radioactive Sneezes

I can't sleep.

My brain isn't tired. I hate that.

Today, I went to the doctor, a normal doctor, not the doc in a box (aka minute clinic), to find out why my snot was the color of a radioactive traffic cone. And my lungs feel like they are on fire.

Did a strep culture and bingo, doc says I have a major sinus infection, a touch of bronchitis and we're gonna go ahead and treat the throat like the strep before the culture comes back because it looks pretty bad. I'll know for sure Monday or Tuesday but he's treating it anyway. Good news though, if I were contagious, it would have been last week when I started getting sick so no one needs to worry about catching anything from me. Unless you caught it last week. Sorry. Well, not really, because a) can I really help that??? and b) it probably came from some nasty snotnosed sickling thanksgiving traveler who ran up to the gate with a soggy ticket in their mouth and too many carryons.

I hate that!!!

Anyway. So between coughing and tossing down NyQuil, and taking baths with aromatherapy minty crap, and browsing the internet I have been stressing a little about the title of my book and the theme for the cover. My publisher contacted me recently and informed me of the upcoming photo shoot and possible themes. I'm sitting here realizing that I have no idea!!

The title and cover - the most important part of the book - and I don't have it nailed yet.

GRR!!

I am sure I will come up with something soon, I still have a month before the shoot, which means I have about two weeks to come up with a theme so we can decide how to make the publicity and cover shots relevant....oh and my twitter is naked and pubby doesnt like that either. Sorry.

I'm a bad bad girl this week. I'll do better, I swear!!!

I'm going to attempt sleep again now!!!

ALLTHEWAYTOTHEMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!

S

Happy Face!

I'm back at work and very very very happy!!! Today I can't complain. I mean, I guess I could because I have this nasty bronchitis cold thing, but other than that I'm good. The kids are doing just lovely. I am happy with my body - which hasn't happened in FOREVER - and everything seems to be falling into place.

I had a fabulous lunch today with Lufthansa's Finest.....Andreas and Our Best Westie Greg.....Good times had by all. I am sure the pictures will surface on facebook within 24 hours...especially the Funny Hat Day ones.

Oh! Phone!! Gotta go! It's Cindy!! YAY!

This is Why I'm Hot

So, recently I was driving down Fairview , overcaffienated as usual, and I keep hitting red lights. There's all these people in their fancy schmancy cars. Is schmancy even a word? Anyways, I am driving the Excursion, AKA the Airbus 380, and the windows are tinted. They're illegally tinted. I am just waiting to get pulled over one day. In which case I will be interested to see if pulling out cleavage actually works. Because I haven't had cleavage in two years. And now I do. Because I eat now. See how that works? Food is medicine. That's what they tell you in therapy. Food is hot. Food is sexy. Food gets me out of a speeding ticket?

Oh, sorry, ADD overload. BOOBS!! ;)

Okay, so here we are driving down Fairview and all these snotbags in their Porsche Cayennes and Lexus Landrovers are surrounding me at lights that are taking way too long. I've had toooo much coffeee and somehow I decide to test the theory that people can feel you staring at them. Hell my windows are SO tinted, it'll be fun.

I start staring this guy down who is on his cell phone in a really nice Lexus. Three seconds into my laser gaze, he looks over. Then looks away. Then looks again, kind of offended. I feel my blood get hot. I feel stupid. Wait he can't see me!! This is fun!! So I stare harder. Evil eyes boring into his soul. He glares at me.

The light changes. He drives off quickly.

Fun!!!

Next light. Lady in an Audi convertible. Whatever. I dont miss my convertible anyway. I'm not jealous. At all. I decide to focus all my not-jealous at her.

I stare at her. She looks over in two seconds. I stick my tongue out. I screw my face up and make monster noises. She can't see me anyway.

She stares straight forward and drives forward immediately when the light changes.

That's what you get for having a convertible when I don't. RUDE!!

Anyway I do this for the 20 minutes it takes to get through the Fairview/Tyvola clogup, and I go to pick up my son at the babysitter. I'm still laughing at myself because I have found a fun way to not hate traffic. Fkk with people in their cars!! YAY!!

I tell her all about it. She says , Shannon I can see through those windows in the daylight.

What?

No you can't. They're tinted look.

Yes I can....look...

I look....

Yeah...you can actually see through enough to see my monster faces, my pig noses, fish faces, etc....

I bet my mom is proud.

Hello, Sunshine!! I have missed you!!!

Happy Saturday, Fishies.

I woke up a little late today, but very rested. Which is great because I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I have meds for that, but I refuse to take them. It was nice to finally feel like I got an adequate amount of sleep for a normal person. AND THE SUN IS OUT!! It rained all week!!! How wonderful!!!

Today has turned out pretty fabulous so far. Besides the lovely sun rays I discovered when opening the blinds, I enjoyed other things!! I spent the morning with the kids, who are appropriately worn out by all the playing with the dog, jumping on the bed, going to McDonald's and playing more for two hours. McDonald's could have been a nightmare because I absentmindedly left my wallet in the bathroom with a LOT of cash in it. And by a lot of cash I don't mean, EXTRA cash. I mean cash I cashed from a check from my parents that I needed to pay my bills with and would have been completely SCREWED without. Someone turned it in. All cash in tact. All credit cards that I just replaced from the loss of my wallet two months ago in London. Seriously, it would have been bad. And someone turned it in and left no way for me to thank them.....Wow!!

Now I have Bailey in the bathtub because I am going to do her hair and give her a manicure/pedicure. Nothin says lovin' like some self love. Wow, that might be the wisest thing I've heard all week. And it came from me!! HA!!!

So I'm going to make her hair soft and fluffy and I hve a new outfit for her and I'm going to do her nails like my little nail kit that I just bought and stick her little toesies in the little gel toe separator thing and give her the most princessly makeover ever. Doesn't that sound wonderful? I was inspired by the last group at Renfrew yesterday where Robyn, one of the therapists, scrapped the normal agenda and let us do mani/pedi's and listen to Ipods instead. That was following the lunch session of "monkey in the middle" that suddenly broke out with a bread roll with the therapist the pitiful monkey in the middle and Cindy and Amy lobbing it like a football. I never thought in a thousand years I would see something go down like that at Renfrew. Quite entertaining.

Today the kids go back with their dads after the long week and I will again find myself filling up the empty spaces. I have some painting to do; Amy has commissioned me to paint her a Paris-themed painting. That should take a good amount of the time.

I guess the major challenge for the weekend will be eating everything I'm supposed to eat outside of program and meeting the appropriate exchanges. I really struggle with that over weekends. Okay, let's be honest. There are opportunities for me to be tempted to restrict any time I am alone, anxious and when someone isn't watching me. I cannot do that. Especially now that I'm weighing more than I am required to.
Being too thin is like having too much money in your bank account. :) I have to be strong to fight the temptation!!! GRR!! :)

No need to agonize about that - - I have a mani-pedi to do, my princess has splashed all of the water out of the tub and is ready for her stylist.

Tah Tah For Now!! Happy Saturday!!

ATW2TM!!!!!!!!

SNN

Coffee and Pancakes with Nanners

Well, good news and bad news.

The Excursion broke down again at the stop light at Yorkmont and Tyvola once my ex jumped it. The good news is that I wasn't crazy, the damn alternator went out. Me and my luck with cars, seriously. I really miss my convertible. Boo hoo.

Seems like the extra 1994 Chevy Lumina Joel has hanging out with nothing else to do seems like a better fit for me, even though I really really really super really feel like a dork driving it. He knows this. But again, beggers can't be choosers, I'm just glad to have transportation.

I'm cleared to return to work but they're waiting on my SOCIAL SECURITY CARD to get mailed in!! THAT TAKES THREE WEEKS!! WHAT THE WHAT!!! I'm so annoyed!! If I had known that i would have replaced it forever ago as soon as I lost my wallet. I was told that extra page with the stamp from the social security people would suffice as proof. How irritating!!!

As far as treatment goes, I have been going to the Renfrew Center every day for Intensive Outpatient Program, Monday through Friday and following a individual meal plan. The medicine I'm taking has been working pretty well and the only bad days I have seem to be when I've forgotten to take the meds, so that's really great as well.

I have been going out and expanding my social circle a little more recently, and that's really refreshing. I spent a year and a half withdrawing so I'm very thankful to have new people in my life. Some people coming back from the past, and some brand new friends. That's really great for me!!!

Joel is flying to Tel Aviv and he's gone a lot, so I get pretty lonely without my best friend. I would be really sad when he was gone, because those days coincided with the days without kids often. I'd find myself so lonely and depressed. I'd restrict those weekends, and the disorder kept me company. When that was again threatened by a readmission to Renfrew, I'd either fly with him or somewhere I had people to go out with. Like this weekend. Jetted off to Florida on a whim and almost didn't get back due to oversales. Had a blast with "the girls" Hot Fuss Luke and Natey. Went to the Living Room night club and it was absolutely a blast. Made new friends there too!!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm having some struggles with body image and the weight gain that has been a mandatory process of getting back into work. My nutritionist has noticed that the food they're giving me is making me gain weight faster than I should so at least it makes me feel better that I'm going to be allowed to step down to a smaller meal plan. My work uniforms don't fit!! I'm not a size 00 anymore :( BUT... I know that being so thin was dangerous. I know letting my emotions get control of me and giving up on life was cowardly. So, the only choice is to sit here and sort out what caused this and try to repair everything salvagable. My weight is nearly what it was when I was "happy and healthy". Before the adderall. Before the dissolution of my marriage. Before the eating disorder took over. Before the cutting. Before the overdoses that I intended to help me escape permanently.

I still have bad days. I think Amy is going to come to my house and steal my scale and smash it. I'll probably just stand on the ticket counter one then...NO I WONT!!!...I still struggle with breakfast and not restricting when I'm stressed or unhappy. There is an upside to gaining all this weight though. I have a fantastic rack and my ass has come back. Just saying.

BUT...The worst stuff is all over now, and I find myself back at the baseline, wondering how I got here. How did I get here? How could this happen? What was the fatal mistake? What have I done? Did I go crazy?

I don't think the answers to those questions will ever be tangible and statements of fact for me. Sometimes they change. Did I go crazy? I think we all go a little crazy sometimes. I think some people just handle emotional duress differently than others....some people have more of a propensity to act on urges more than others - myself being of the latter...

I didn't really know what I wanted to blog today but I know I wanted to write. The good stuff is on reserve for my book. Speaking of which I have a conference call with Mikey and the publisher on Monday. Better add that to the BlackBerry - - I can't decide which book I want to go out first...I'm working on several projects.

How many agents have I burned through? I dont even know, but I'm going straight through the publisher this time. Hopefully that works.

I'm really rambling tonight aren't I? I am really in a good mood though. I had coffee with a lovely friend I reconnected with who makes me laugh. He says he's on reality island in the middle of an ocean of diarrhea. I just wanna dress him in a diaper and give him a bow and arrow on valentines day and have him shooting people. He looks like cupid. His eyes are full of excitement but he swears he's tired. He smiles like a million dollars but feels broke. And he loves banana pancakes. Which sound good. And I am going to try per his suggestion.

Goodnight, fishies!!! Love you all the way to the moon!! And all the way back. Flight wide open, free upgrade. Transatlantic, baby!!!

xoxo
INTL SNN

This is Amusing. Not Really.

So, today hasn't really started out to well...but I have heard several times that if you have negative feelings towards something, you're pretty much going to end up with a negative result right out of the gate. Either that or I really do have a little rain cloud with a lightning bolt coming out of it and zapping me every so often at the amusement of some higher power, possibly karma. Bad juju? I don't really know.

Today, I need to purge all my negative feelings so that I can get through it without an acme anvil falling on top of my head like some sort of cartoon. As I type this I am sitting in Joel's house waiting for my ex to come jump the Excursion. The Excursion provided to me by Joel because my car died. And then the van he had that I wanted to drive died. So he was like, here....just have this. I'm guessing he didn't see my lightning bolt when he started offering his cars. I've already burned through half his fleet here....wanna give it a go with your Prius? Just kidding.

The thing is, I already dropped off my kids to the baby sitter's and school respectively and it worked fine. I was on my way to my return to work drug test at the airport and then on to the Renfrew center for a day I've been regretting for a week. (They're making us go shopping at the mall and I'm understanding we have to try stuff on in front of each other and actually buy an outfit and everyone gets to see the size) I'm absolutely horrified. No woman wants to share her dress size with a group. Even the confident ones. This is just really nerve racking for me. Oh and remember that drug test I told you about????? Remember that? Well it involves pee I've been saving up. So I'm going crazy here.

The dog is downstairs howling because he doesn't want to be put away for the day, and I'm stressing about the day ahead. And I forgot to eat breakfast. And my medication. I just remembered that CRAP. I'm unmedicated, the dog is howling its ears off, the car isn't working, the third one I've killed in like a month, I have to go shopping today and announce my measurements from Mount WannaCrawlinCave and I HAVE TO PEE!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!

And if I miss my drug test, all this non peeing will be for nothing. Do you think they can test a fabric sample on my jeans if I don't make it and end up getting a ride to South Park mall to go spend money I don't have. I mean at least there will be a real reason to get new clothes. That solves that.

So, bad day or bad attitude. You decide. Update later.

word of the month

Oh my gosh. Do you guys even KNOW what the word PHALLIS means? I saw it on tv and googled it. I thought it meant something nice. Like a flower. No. It doesn't. It doesn't at all. PHALLIS. Stay away from it.

That's all for today. :)

Sometimes NEW is better!

I am thinking it is time for change. What that change is and how dramatic depends on the timing and opportunities available.

I plan to go to school and maybe do something different within my current company whether it be new position or just new area based on scheduling.

Perhaps new job within industry? I have some FA opportunities but it would require quitting and commuting w another carrier.

Perhaps new job outside of industry? Least likely.

I'm still writing, still have a publisher interested so we will have to see.

No matter what, though, I hope something new and exciting has to be ahead. All the way to the moon!

I Louvre Paris

So, my return to work date is still waiting on a bunch of red tape. Im perfectly well, in my humble opinion and was ready long ago to return, but what do I know?

So, even though I said London would be the last trip, I was able to squeeze in some Paris action last weekend. I loved it!! The staff there was excellent, the PHL crew was wonderful and the station manager in CDG was the sweetest lady ever. I thought I was going to get bumped, then I had a middle seat, then I had an aisle, then I was in Envoy. She was the nicest!! I really just wanted to get back.... but anyway....Paris is so different and you notice it the moment you start entering the city.

For starters, the buildings all sell the tops of their structures to advertisers, so at night, every single building is "sponsored" by another business. Even though that building has nothing to do with the business whose name it screams in the dark. Most everything is translated into English, but I caught myself confused when I saw some walls with graffiti on them. I found myself irritated the offender did not provide an English translation for the dirty word they so skillfully plastered all over beloved Paris. Then I realized how silly that seemed. I just assumed they all meant the F word and moved on.

It was cold, you could see your breath lingering in the air, but Paris was very very sleepy in the morning. It doesn't really seem to get busy until about 10 am.
I found the locals to be very helpful in giving me directions and speaking in fluent english. No one gave me the "stupid american!" attituted I kept hearing about and fearing.

Checked into the hotel, the Novatel at Mountpurnasse (sp?) and then went to the Lourve to visit one Mona Lisa. She looks good for her age. Little smaller than I thought, still beautiful though.

Walked around the city, saw Notre Dame, crossed the river, saw the Musee de Orsay, said hi to Monet and Van Gogh, my homies, and then had dinner at Le Departe. I picked that restaurant because it had the shiniest lights. Saw Julie and Julia earlier this year and was dying to try Beef Bourignon. So that's what I had. It was FANTASTIC. Had some nice wine and Choocolate Crepes for dessert, then over to the Moulin Rouge for a show and champagne. Then went to the Eiffel Tower and saw it light up brilliantly. It was magical!!

Was able to see the retired Air France Concorde and also a Singapore Airlines A380...both very impressive.

So, that was my little trip and week in a nutshell. I'd still rather be at work...but if it's not my weekend for the kids, and I have nothing else to do, I suppose I will just visit a different country until they either fire me or bring me back. At this point, I don't really care and I'm about ready to find another job just so that I can have $$$$$!!! I fly free indefinitely with or without the job because of Joel, so I really just wish something would happen one way or another.

I have been doing SO much better though. Hanging onto a weight that I would have balked at last year, and happy about it. Life is good.

I love you all. All the way to the moon!! IN FIRST CLASS!!!!

xoxoxo