Border Threat

It's some unreasonable time in the morning and I'm feeling so panicked that I can't get to sleep and it's one of those times that all I can do is write about it.

Things have been going so well lately, and I thought I was completely better. I've been seeing and doing and loving and conquering, so I'm very disappointed that I'm dealing with this right now. It sneaks in like a snake and settles like a virus and begins to attack everything I've built.

Here are the ways you still don't measure up...here is what you still aren't doing right, here is what you'll never do and you should just quit trying...and here is a new person to compare yourself to that you'll never be, you can't touch, and will never hold a candle to...

I don't know when I let it in. I know this is unreasonable. Maybe this is normal, I don't know...I had a great weekend, I've been happy, I have embraced this new curvy little body, so why at 2am is my subconscious trying to talk me into destroying it again.....oh, sweetie, not destroy, just modify.....just a little....

I know better, I know better, I know better. What I want to do right this second is go to the gym until the anxiety is gone. Three hours later my heart will want to burst yet this nasty snake within will be able to reassure me I feel better. Until I have to do it again.


I havent done anything yet. I haven't acted on any impulses. Is this normal, is this bad, is this winning? I feel horrible. I almost restricted this weekend when I lost my laptop, then I ate a huge meal and it took e v e r y cell in my body to keep it down. I am not kidding, it took every, every, every bit of willpower. I feel bad for even having these thoughts and before I got them under control, it was like mind porn. The bathing suit I need to fit into soon...the uniforms I can't afford to replace at work that I squeeze into...my arms looked like sausages in a fitting room this weekend. I know this is wrong. I know it's wrong, but this feeling of inadequacy unlocks it and I don't know how to kick it out, I dont know!! I don't want to start this again and my logical mind is telling me that this is normal and things will be just fine and it is always my choice to either deal with it in a healthy way or not. I hesitate to even hit publish on this because I don't want the ones I love to think, Oh my God here we go AGAIN...will she ever stop this? Will she ever grow up? And then I realize it's that same little people pleasing self destroying viral snake at work again. My real friends who know me would know I'm stonger now, because I am stronger now. Because I am. Right?

Riight.....