Coffee and Pancakes with Nanners

Well, good news and bad news.

The Excursion broke down again at the stop light at Yorkmont and Tyvola once my ex jumped it. The good news is that I wasn't crazy, the damn alternator went out. Me and my luck with cars, seriously. I really miss my convertible. Boo hoo.

Seems like the extra 1994 Chevy Lumina Joel has hanging out with nothing else to do seems like a better fit for me, even though I really really really super really feel like a dork driving it. He knows this. But again, beggers can't be choosers, I'm just glad to have transportation.

I'm cleared to return to work but they're waiting on my SOCIAL SECURITY CARD to get mailed in!! THAT TAKES THREE WEEKS!! WHAT THE WHAT!!! I'm so annoyed!! If I had known that i would have replaced it forever ago as soon as I lost my wallet. I was told that extra page with the stamp from the social security people would suffice as proof. How irritating!!!

As far as treatment goes, I have been going to the Renfrew Center every day for Intensive Outpatient Program, Monday through Friday and following a individual meal plan. The medicine I'm taking has been working pretty well and the only bad days I have seem to be when I've forgotten to take the meds, so that's really great as well.

I have been going out and expanding my social circle a little more recently, and that's really refreshing. I spent a year and a half withdrawing so I'm very thankful to have new people in my life. Some people coming back from the past, and some brand new friends. That's really great for me!!!

Joel is flying to Tel Aviv and he's gone a lot, so I get pretty lonely without my best friend. I would be really sad when he was gone, because those days coincided with the days without kids often. I'd find myself so lonely and depressed. I'd restrict those weekends, and the disorder kept me company. When that was again threatened by a readmission to Renfrew, I'd either fly with him or somewhere I had people to go out with. Like this weekend. Jetted off to Florida on a whim and almost didn't get back due to oversales. Had a blast with "the girls" Hot Fuss Luke and Natey. Went to the Living Room night club and it was absolutely a blast. Made new friends there too!!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm having some struggles with body image and the weight gain that has been a mandatory process of getting back into work. My nutritionist has noticed that the food they're giving me is making me gain weight faster than I should so at least it makes me feel better that I'm going to be allowed to step down to a smaller meal plan. My work uniforms don't fit!! I'm not a size 00 anymore :( BUT... I know that being so thin was dangerous. I know letting my emotions get control of me and giving up on life was cowardly. So, the only choice is to sit here and sort out what caused this and try to repair everything salvagable. My weight is nearly what it was when I was "happy and healthy". Before the adderall. Before the dissolution of my marriage. Before the eating disorder took over. Before the cutting. Before the overdoses that I intended to help me escape permanently.

I still have bad days. I think Amy is going to come to my house and steal my scale and smash it. I'll probably just stand on the ticket counter one then...NO I WONT!!!...I still struggle with breakfast and not restricting when I'm stressed or unhappy. There is an upside to gaining all this weight though. I have a fantastic rack and my ass has come back. Just saying.

BUT...The worst stuff is all over now, and I find myself back at the baseline, wondering how I got here. How did I get here? How could this happen? What was the fatal mistake? What have I done? Did I go crazy?

I don't think the answers to those questions will ever be tangible and statements of fact for me. Sometimes they change. Did I go crazy? I think we all go a little crazy sometimes. I think some people just handle emotional duress differently than others....some people have more of a propensity to act on urges more than others - myself being of the latter...

I didn't really know what I wanted to blog today but I know I wanted to write. The good stuff is on reserve for my book. Speaking of which I have a conference call with Mikey and the publisher on Monday. Better add that to the BlackBerry - - I can't decide which book I want to go out first...I'm working on several projects.

How many agents have I burned through? I dont even know, but I'm going straight through the publisher this time. Hopefully that works.

I'm really rambling tonight aren't I? I am really in a good mood though. I had coffee with a lovely friend I reconnected with who makes me laugh. He says he's on reality island in the middle of an ocean of diarrhea. I just wanna dress him in a diaper and give him a bow and arrow on valentines day and have him shooting people. He looks like cupid. His eyes are full of excitement but he swears he's tired. He smiles like a million dollars but feels broke. And he loves banana pancakes. Which sound good. And I am going to try per his suggestion.

Goodnight, fishies!!! Love you all the way to the moon!! And all the way back. Flight wide open, free upgrade. Transatlantic, baby!!!

xoxo
INTL SNN