I Suck at Following Rules.

Good morning all.

It's 510am. And my brain is awake and my body isn't tired.

It's been a little bit since I last posted but not that much has changed in my situation, although I'd like to think that I am changing....I kind of needed to. Ha.

I am moved into another place. I know I had just moved into that beautiful big house in June but it just wasn't the right fit. I was so isolated out there. Now I have a modest little apartment to start all over in. It's right across the street from my daughter's school so we can walk in the mornings. That will be really nice :)

My son will start kindergarten next year, so maybe he will go there with her. I'm not really sure, because it's very expensive, but I'd like them to stay together. Of course that is putting the horse way before the wagon. My ex has to agree to it, and I'm going to have to be able to pay my bills comfortably before I can afford private school for another child. I don't pay for my daughter's her grandparents on her dad's side and do. Again, one day at a time.

I got kind of a late start on Saturday because a friend of mine suddenly needed help and had no one else but me to assist. Actually, it was a friend from my stay in the psych ward. The staff there warned us not to stay in contact with each other, but I do maintain contact with three of them. To say that they are not worthy of my support is to say that I am not worthy of someone else's. In the end, people are just people, all capable of loving and being loved, and innately craving companionship and understanding.

I realize that I often extend that to my own detriment, but I try to keep healthy boundaries so that I am not physically or emotionally harmed further. That includes by my own hand.

The three I kept contact with are Michael, David and Chase. I would have liked to have kept in contact with Christopher, but I didn't give him my email. Michael is about 40 and has spent the last 20 years in jail for selling drugs and "jacking" people which I learned to mean was "stealing". He tried to limit his jacking to people who pissed him off and he says he did it to stay alive. He was from Baltimore and grew up pretty rough. Christopher thought he was a Nazi when he came into the unit. He was very intimidating, bald head, and didn't speak to anyone.

Christopher had been put in because he robbed a jewelry store after losing his home to foreclosure. Automatically he isn't the type I would think would do something like that, but his jewelry store adventure started with a big bottle of booze. The cops found him after he crawled back through the glass he broke, leading the police to his hiding spot under a bus by a trail of blood and watches. As if that weren't bad enough he was camped out in a patch of poison ivy.

The first thing I learned about David was that he worked at Starbucks. Enough said. Friends for life. I could just end it there and Im sure everyone would understand, but I think he's great so he deserves more credit than a coffee hookup. He is a gay man around my age, he would have fit right into the airline industry, but he's not one of the ones you can tell right off the bat. He was a very functional alcoholic who was detoxing in the worst way. He said he'd drink like a fifth before work and at least one after, and no one could tell. He shook every day , violently, and was very sickly looking but never complained.

Chase was a 21 year old kid who was in for taking 50 ambien and 50 ceraquil. He says. He was a repeat offender, covered in tattoos but has the face of a baby. He got into drugs early and was struggling with the loss of his girlfriend a few years earlier, which he felt responsible for after giving her a bad batch of cocaine. The anniversary of that death had just passed. I didn't learn that until later in my stay. Chase snuck into my room and stole my pink owl pajama pants and wore them the whole time. He also hit me in the face with a basketball and bloodied my nose. Im pretty sure it was kind of on purpose, but we were playing kind of rough. I think he felt bad after. He's one of those people that can't show affection without being a jerk, and I found him to be very troubled, but very sweet in weird way. I let him keep the owl pants.

There was also Lindsey, but i forgot to get her number. She was hard to be around, but only because she looked identical to a friend I missed very much. They could have been twins. She was in for getting upset and taking everything in her parents' medicine cabiniet, tylenol, antibiotics and ibuprofen. She got really sick and wasn't in a life threatening position, but it is the intent that will land you in the psych unit. Lindsey was my saving grace, because some of the patients teased me for only overdosing on 9 ambien. I guess because they took more than me, that made me a wuss, but in contrast to Lindsey's overdose, I was only the second wussiest on the floor. She'd thrown herself out of a moving car a few months earlier, so she still had street credit.

Yes, I realize how wrong this appears. It's kind of funny though...if ya can't laugh......

Anyway - - one day at lunch, Michael walked by in his sedated glory and couldnt figure out the latte machine. Yes, the psych ward has a latte machine. Jealous?

Chris nicknamed him prison break because he looked like the main character of that show. He bet me that I couldn't get Michael to say ten words to me. I claimed I could unthaw anyone. If I won, Chris had to wear his hospital gown for the rest of the day with the back open. If I lost, he said he got to pick what I ate off the buffet line and I had to eat all of it (i was struggling with stress and not eating well).

I walked up to the latte machine and offered to help him figure out how to use it. He looked really grateful. I asked him how he was. He looked shocked. Then he told me his life story and plunked himself down at the table next to us and proceeded to talk for the next hour. When lunch was finally over, and we had to go to our group therapy sessions, Chris pulled me aside and said "Damn, you won the $#@# out of that bet. Double or nothing. Ten words. Jaime." And pointed over to the new girl who was in the corner glaring at us. Of course I won her over too and Chris wussed out on the open backed gown thing. None of us wanted to see his bare rear anyway.

Over the course of the stay, Michael was a chatter box and a very positive person. He'd come to Charlotte with friends to start over and when they went to a fast food restaurant, they jacked him while he was in the bathroom, leaving him with no money, clothes, or anything. He said he was homeless and had nothing so he knew that if he told the hospital he felt suicidal he could stay there for a little bit instead of jacking someone else. I loved the word jacking. I used it as much as possible.

So, Michael, really didn't want to kill himself. And he didn't want to jack. That's a good start. He became more social and more interactive in therapy sessions after we opened him up. He actually loved to talk. He was a very gentle person, who looked like he'd obviously had it rough. I helped him get into a halfway house, dropped him off there when I got discharged so he wouldnt jack anyone and stay on the right path. I told Joel what I was doing and he felt comfortable with my assisting Michael, but wanted to be near just in case. We took Michel to Target and refilled his prescriptions for him, got him clean clothes, and a bag and some cash to start off with, and dropped him off at the halfway house. He was grinning ear to ear and telling us we'd changed his life.

He wasn't allowed phone calls in that halfway house, but wrote me letters and got himself in deep trouble by sneaking on the phone and calling me on my birthday. He also made me a bracelet and wrote to me about God. He also thanked me for changing his life and drew smiley faces everywhere. The mail was sent to Joel's PO box, then forwarded to me.

Saturday, he called me frantically and said a resident at the halfway house had picked a fight with him and they'd both been thrown out. He was at the bus station. He didn't ask me for help but i knew he needed it. I told Joel what happened and we put off getting the Uhaul to move with and went to the bus station. We took Michael to lunch and tried to find another halfway house or shelter for him but were unsuccessful. Michael only wanted a few dollars so he could make phone calls, but Joel insisted on giving him 80 dollars and actually bought him a bus ticket to Baltimore to go back near his family where they'd help him a little more than Joel or I could.

I imagine this is why they didn't want us exchanging information, but Joel and I both felt good about helping Michael. He was really grateful and deserved another chance and as far as I know, he's doing well in Baltimore. We had to work twice as hard to get the furniture moved along with Dondi and Jason, but we got it done. We were exhausted by the long day, but still did not regret helping Michael. He promised me he wouldn't jack anyone before we left him at the bus station again.

Well, that took 40 minutes and I'm sleepy again. To those who emailed me asking for another post, there ya go, that should have kept you busy for a while.

And to update you, Chase is in jail in Virginia on drug charges prior to the psych visit, and David is still working at Starbucks. He did call me one night very upset that he'd had a drink and broken his sobriety, and felt like giving up. I talked to him for about 30 minutes and he promised me he wouldnt hurt himself. I checked on him again the next day and he was fine. He's still struggling, but it's a process and I understand that. Chase's mom actually got in contact with me by finding me on the internet. Chase had , for some reason begged her to find me, and she did. At first I thought she was telling me he'd died or something, but i was relieved to learn he's only in jail. Turns out Chase was what I thought...a scared kid with a tough exterior. He wanted me to write him, and since they both put so much effort into finding me, I sent him an encouraging card. Joel allowed me to use his po box for safe contact. I just feel better making other lost people feel better.

Everyone finds themselves lost once in a while. We spend so much time searching for direction that sometimes we fail to realize that someone else may be just as lost as we are. It is very important to have a way out, a safe way out, a way out that doesn't care what you did to get so lost. That's what I think anyway.

All the way to the moon....

SNN