Titled: Untitled ....such is life

If no good deed goes unpunished, then what is to be said about every deed that is less than good? Does it still count if said deed is against yourself?

I have never been good at starting things properly and damn sure am not good at finishing them up neatly and cleanly.

Here you are, having found this page, and I wonder , how did you get here? Do you know who I am? Do you think you do?

Sometimes I think I am on the right track and then I go horribly off course again. All I wanted to do was gain motivation, feel more comfortable with myself, with others, be more productive. All that has happened as a result of my desperate need to discover self worth has been a damning downward spiral that has been nearly impossible to recover from.

Now I am dealing with what I am told is a deadly situation, and I don't really care. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I am amazed at my own apathy in hindsight and I'll vow to be better. I'll go into the sunshine and go looking for an answer, could God even be somewhere in that light? Before I know it I'm in another dark corner, alone, with no one, not even spiritual company, no one but myself to continue this inevitable path to self destruction.

It feels good to be hungry. It feels good to be in control of a need that I know how to fill, yet am strong enough to refrain from. It feels good to be dying on the inside and slowly, those on the outside will notice my slow death too. And then I will lie to them. And it will feel good. And it will be humiliating. And it will trigger more . And it will alarm more. The more attention the better. The less attention the better. They will take it away from me. They think they can take it away from me. They will never take it away from me.

The problem is, what is the struggle over? Control over life, or control over death? When will one overcome the other. I promise that I do not want to die. But dying on the outside is so much easier than dying on the inside. I feel like dying on the outside is saving me on the inside.

I'm dying, and there is no one that can save me from this.