Life After Death

Three months and three days have passed since the last post had been put up. Three months and three days since that post was even thought of. I remember feeling out of control and writing it. I remember wondering if anyone would ever find it and what they would think after reading what felt like was a bunch of nonsense spilling out of a desperately bleeding heart.

Even reading that today, it is clear to me that I thought my life was absolutely falling apart, that I had hit rock bottom. What I am thankful that I did not know was that it would get far, far worse. That I would end up in and out of residential treatment, relapse, and choose death over life after my demons made themselves known. That life became more unbearable and intimidating than death. That I'd take an enormous overdose of a sleeping pill, drive my car to avoid being found,and drive straight into a tree in a crowded parking lot at the local Wal Mart. Only to wake up in the ICU of CMC angry that I'd been rescued. Yes, you read that right. A tree. Only someone like me would still be able to find a tree to crash into in a parking lot while unconscious. I sucked at life AND didn't have a car to drive on account of it was towed to CMPD's impound yard and one of the windows were shattered so that medics could remove me. Good news, though. The city isn't pressing charges for damage to the tree.

What is still unknown is how or when I will "get better". Obviously I survived my suicide attempt. I still can't call it a miracle because I still remember what it felt like , I still remember why I chose that path and I still struggle with disappointment that it didn't actually work.
I really don't like going to therapy. I abused pills too many times for comfort so that's not an option. I'm not even sure Jesus wants to hang around me anymore.

After stumbling upon that original post, I realized that perhaps I will need to pull my own therapy from within and this blog can be a helpful tool. I remember the hopelessness I felt when I wrote that and yet there was still hope. Maybe that post saved my life that time.

I'm not sure, but it's worth a shot. At the very least I can be honest and cleanse myself of everything I've done to put myself here. Then , maybe some time later I can re read it all and find some answers, solutions, closure. Whatever it takes.

Of course I'll need to start from the beginning....or what I assume was the proverbial straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Keep in mind, I could be wrong...I'm still dying.