It has been over two weeks since the overdose and even longer since my husband "checked out" of our marriage. I am not saying I really blame him, due to everything that happened in 2008...but I'm still having a hard time coping. One month in residential eating disorder treatment didn't do anything but expand my social circle and show me that yes, there are some people more messed up than I am. I still haven't REALLY eaten since the day I gave up on my life.
I wasn't always this way. Even when I'd ask myself, I'd answer that I was generally happy with my life. Sure, shit happened. It happens to the best of us. That's why God created trashy tabloids as testaments. Okay, well maybe not, but I'd be a liar if I didn't feel some kind of therapy from reading about how Britney Spears can't keep her hoo-ha away from the cameras and Paris Hilton can't seem keep her hoo-ha away from anything. Here are women that were blessed with opportunity , beauty, and the financial resources to make a wonderful life for themselves and they appear to be having a hard time too. Or, are they? Maybe they're happy that way.
If it hasn't yet been obvious, I am contstantly comparing myself to other people and using that to evaluate my own self worth. I never needed to pay a therapist a $50 copay to divulge that information.
What I'm looking for is how did I get this way and did I really drive myself there or is all my finger-pointing justified? Was it the parents that pushed me to be perfect, or did I just feel like that? Was it when my husband confessed to messing around with other women? Was it all the humiliating pornography on our computer or was I over reacting? When I talked to acquantainces at work about it, was it the fact that they shrugged off the porn and the early infidelity because that's just what happens? Should I have just gotten over it? Why can't I just "suck it up" like other, stronger women have done? Was I wrong to ask the doctor for help in pill form, or was she wrong for prescribing it ? Could it have been that I was so desperate to restore balance and end the fighting at home that I used an affair as a means of treading water? Perhaps it was the self loathing and shame I didn't think about before I acted.
How many ingredients are in a recipe for whatever has gone wrong with me?
It would be so much easier if there were an antivirus program for life that would remove all my problems. All my intrusive thoughts. All past damage, erased and restored to a fully operational human being its creator could be proud of.
If only..
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