Good Morning Merry Sunshine...

....what made you wake so soon? You woke up all the little birds and scared away the moooonn!!!!

My friend and I used to sing that to each other when we'd wake up, years and years ago.

This has to be a short one because I'm short on time. I have to do it though because I need to have a good day and this seems to help.

It's like 6am and I picked up early hours in international for Ruthie. Except I'm working Carribean only flights which means I'm going to see four billion honeymooners, all making out at the gate, all starry eyed and all wanting first class because they just got married.

Well good for them. I'm not really in the mood for starry eyed. I mean, I get that. I guess someone put haterade in my cereal. So I didn't eat it. That's my excuse today. Wait, that covers my bitter mood, but not the not eating. Oh well, I'll come up with something. How about how I'm NEVER up this early and therefore never eat. There we go.

I was one of those starry eyed people once.

Sometimes when I see him I still am. But then he tells me that in order to make it work for him, I have to stay home with the kids. Have another one. Never, ever work at an airline ever again. No more international flying. No more flying anywhere alone. And cut off all friends. No phone. No internet.

I know he is trying to protect himself from being hurt again but I also know that with that comes a certain amount of control I'm not willing or even able to give.

If ever there were a place I belonged I was at the airport, in the sky, around these people who are like me, whose hearts have wings and are tired from using them so much. If those bad things were going to happen with me, they were going to happen whether I worked at an airline or worked at Wachovia. Instead of a pilot it might have been a banker. Or a lawyer. Or someone with money. At least. LOL.

So, it's a give-up everything kind of scenario and even then he says that he may have a hard time warming up to me.

Is it worth it to keep my marriage in tact? Would the kids be happier? Would I be okay?

Can I give up my dreams of seeing everything the world has to offer to stay in a marriage that my husband says probably still won't work even then? But, I hurt him really bad. I ruined him. So I deserve that, right? I gotta pay. I dug the grave...gotta lay down in it right..... those were actual words that were used. Lie down in that grave, Shannon. That's enough. So I went to it. At least I can say that I carried that one out pretty well. It was damn hard to bring me back. Some people get mad and say they can't even off themselves right. Well at least I have that going for me. I even went to the grave and it wasn't enough because he let people pull me back out...hours later I wake up and there he is looking at me.

Oh gosh. I get tormented by this even in Hell!! Why do I have a tube down my throat in Hell? Wait....I got brought back? So, I'm still in Hell either way?

Of course I love my children and everyone that matters to me, but when you're in that state of mind, you're convinced they're better off without you. You're convinced you're doing a favor and Desperation tells you it's the ONLY way.

I feel sick.

I have no idea where all these intrusive thoughts come from and they make me sick and they make me sad and they make me afraid to leave the house and they make me afraid to stay in the house and then Blue October "into the ocean" plays over and over and over and it takes every bit of willpower to push past the coldness and find the sun.

Good Morning Merry Sunshine!!! Good Morning!! Where are you???