Scar Tissue that I Wish You Saw

Last night was so busy!! I had to work this really messed up flight that was so oversold it was hopeless, but I got through it.

I've had a really hard time taking any of the medicine, even the medicine I am supposed to take. I actually have been instructed by a therapist to take the valium anyway. Even though I am afraid to take a tylenol at this point. I feel guilty for taking my heart medicine.

Yesterday, before work, I had lunch with my husband and it was really nice. We got along fine, we had to do our taxes and we were figuring out how we were going to pay the balance. We went to TGI Friday's and they had the most wonderful vanilla bean cheesecake I have ever tasted in my life. It would make the stolen Envoy cheesecakes jealous.

I actually ate the entire meal including dessert. Granted, it was all I ate that day, but I have been doing so much better with my eating. I've held the same weight for a week which is an accomplishment. It's always going up and down depending on my mood, but if I would take the anxiety meds, I would be able to eat because my nerves wouldn't be everywhere. And it's not like I could overdose on those...well it would take ALOT.

Not that I would do that again.

Just swallowing a pill makes me shudder. I get flashbacks...and my mind starts to flirt with how beautifully easy it was to slip into oblivion within fifteen minutes of tiny blue pills I still have at my beckon call. Then disgust and dread washes over me and the feelings are gone.

I do have things to look forward to. A retirement party for someone who is way too young to retire, my fabulous friend from London. I'm really excited to go because I enjoy her company and that of those who will all be there. David thought he wasn't invited so he was concerned he couldn't go, but she knows him well and wants me to bring him. He doesn't have facebook, so he didn't get the invite. I keep trying to socialize him a little more. Maybe he can find himself a nice Jewish girl to give that broken heart to. He deserves it. I'm going to help him any way I can, I think he's fantastic.

My wedding anniversary is coming up , so I'm going to flee the country. Literally. Just for a few days. I even told my husband and he's in support of it. He knows it'll just be a miserable day for us both and since those are his days with our son anyway and my daughter's days with her dad, BUBYE.

I got some obnoxious texts from Melanie's husband today cuss word laden and telling me that I'm a crappy mom and to leave his wife alone. Oh, and they also know EVERYTHING. Well. So does everyone else who reads this. Glad you're a fan.
And I'm a whore and an unfit mother and a shitty friend and blah blah blah blah blah. He didn't actually SAY those things verbatim but ohh they were there. It's all good.

I'm pretty sure he just took a big word dump on me but that's ok. Word craps are cleansing and from the looks of things there was a buildup of crap. :) Hope they feel better. I really want them to be happy. They have a new baby, there is no reason for any kind of negativity, and if I cause negative vibes, it is better that they are released and contained.

I'd never not be there for her if she needed me, but she'd have to ask. I already took a step in that direction and got hosed. The good thing about being busted down to nothing is that there is no possible way to break down further. I could never hurt more than I did the day I decided my life was insignificant. It's like realizing you've got a splinter while your whole body is being engulfed in flames.

Once that fire is put out, if the splinter is resilient enough to still be hanging on, still painful, it can be dealt with. It is unlikely that the pain of a small splinter would be felt through the scar tissue such a fire would create. Having a heart encased in scar tissue may sound bad, but it is tougher skin, tougher to break. Scar tissue symbolizes damage done, healing begun and nearly impossible for outside forces to penetrate the same wound again.

Moving along, I need to go to the posty office.
I need to go to the grocery store and get Dr. Pepper.
I need to make another Dr. appt. I hate those.
Therapy appointment. Blech.
Nails. Meh. I hate sitting still that long.
Eyebrows. OUCH!!

Love you all the way to the moon. All the way back. You know the rest.