..and I do not have a husband. I wish I could say that I tried everything to fix myself, but the truth of the matter is that when I was not eating and not being faithful, and obsessing over/adding to what was wrong with me, I should have been praying or asking my husband for support and I didn't.
I guess I just thought for better or worse meant better or worse. I don't mean to make my husband sound like a complete dick in this blog. He really was a good husband, but he changed just like I did. We both gave up and here we are now.
A lot of fun stuff has happened over the past few days and I'll blog about it. Today, my heart is extra broken so I'm getting out of town.
I gave David every ambien I had left, he took them away and I won't be able to hurt myself again. I still had more than enough and a few bad days. I could just go to the doctor and get another prescription because my primary care physician doesn't know what I did, but I have actually been okay lately. I've considered giving him or another trusted friend medical authorization to my records so that if I can't keep away from those drugs, someone else can intervene. It's a big step.
There is so much to look forward to in life, and no one needs to remind me of the kids or family or friends. I know they need their mother/friend/family member. I will not cry over love or friendship lost in this thunderstorm. I made awful choices and none of them compare to the choice I made to end it all last month. So if you're going to judge me, judge me on the most grave decision I could have made. It is what it is, I can't undo damage I've done, I can only move forward and pray that God removes those people from my life that would keep me on the path to uncertainty and keep the ones close that love me unconditionally and make sure I'm making healthy decisions.
While I was in the hospital, someone told me to
Never die with the music still in you.
I think there are a few songs left. Love you all the way to the moon and all the way back, through the stars, around mars and in First Class.
Shannon
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