When it's dark the stars come out

Good morning!! I have been getting emails checking to see if I'm okay because I stopped blogging so much, and yesss I'm still here :)

I have actually been doing a lot better. I've been keeping busy, keeping distracted and just like everyone said, over time it does get easier. The only thing no one ever tells you about that whole time thing is that you kind of have to surrender to that idea for it to work....in a state like mine, I thought all was lost and surrendering to anything seemed threatening. Holding on for dear life to what was left was the game plan.

Grasping onto your sanity can be tricky. You don't think it's really there, and you kind of mentally hyperventilate. Which is an interesting comparison but I'm going to stay with it for a second...hyperventilation is actually getting TOO much air, overbreathing, resulting in a lack of carbon dioxide that causes anxiety attacks, rapid heart beat and fainting. So, if I'm mentally hyperventilating, I guess I would say that I'm trying to overdose myself with too much of what my interpretation is normal and fine, over rationalizing resulting in a lack of self approval, causing me to completely melt down. I imagine myself throwing everything into the air, in hopes that something, anything good will end up in my grasp.

Unfortunately, I end up like one of those people in one of those glass cases where so much money is blowing around and they're given the opportunity to walk out with whatever they can catch. So many opportunities flying around yet coming out empty handed, never realizing that the odds were never in their favor to begin with. Would it not have been so much wiser to grab that one dollar and walk out with something than try in vain to snatch everything that appeared within distance? Every once in a while luck will be on your side and you'll catch something or something will get stuck to you....but really, you're probably going to walk out empty handed if you're in a glass box full of wind trying to take it all on at the same time.

My point is that it is all becoming clear. I also kind of stopped blogging because my husband was very upset that people he knows were reading this blog and concerned about us, etc. I'll just set the record straight and say that he did everything he knew how to do to save what was going wrong with me, and I overwhelmed him. I said ugly words too, not just him, and of course he doesn't remember things the same way I do and that's fine.

There are always three sides to one story. Yours, mine, and the truth.

I just do this so that I can feel better and move forward, and it's working. So, for those on Team Dondi who are reading this, you can relax, I'm not out to smear your hero. I hope you're all on Team Dondi. He needs all the love and support he can get, I really put him through some crap.

Eban asks every day when daddy is coming home and last week I told him that daddy wasn't. I informed daddy of that as well and he didn't offer any objection. This time it didn't hurt.

I think there is some healing....it was really sad to tell my son that, but his next comment was "FORD!!" because he saw a Ford pass by.

That's what we do in the car. He is very very smart. He's only four , but he can tell you the make of any vehicle that passes and by any vehicle, I'm not kidding. Stop lights are action packed. So are parking lots. FORD! CHEVY!! JEEP!! CHRYSLER! JAGUAR!! KIA!! Yes. He even knows Kia. I think his favorite is Ford but he keeps telling me he would never buy a ford because he wants a deal. It's really funny to watch people watch him do that.....he gets every single one right and shocks people walking by.

I also got him a new betta fish, which he promptly named Blub Blub. I asked him why he named his fish that and he said because he blubs the water. Makes sense.

I'm going to London tonight and I'm going to have to make sure that Blub Blub is fed. I really don't need to come home later in the week looking for a replacement fish, he's a really weird blue color.

Bailey is still doing very well in school. We worked on her science project the other night on the California Condor. I'm sure she's going to get an A on it!!

Last weekend I was treated to fourth row seating performance of the Baltimore Symphony at the Strathburn in Washington, DC. I kept my program and my ticket. David called in gorgeous seats. The music surrounded me and because I no longer take my Adderall for ADD, (do I really have that even?) , I was getting distracted by the movements of the conductor, the facial expressions of the people playing the string instruments and the quick arm movements of the rise and fall of the bow hand, so I just closed my eyes and soaked it in and at one point I actually forgot to draw in air and started coughing. It was absolutely beautiful.

I would really love to do that again.

I called Sprint this morning to see how my phone would work out there. I have the BlackBerry World Edition thingie so it actually just works but unless I switch to an international calling plan, it charges exhorbitant fees. Whatever, when are cell charges not excessive? Anyways the lady on the other end was getting really annoyed because the connection was not clear and at one point she got very sharp with me and said, excuse me, is there another phone I can call you on or can you switch your location I am having an extremely hard time hearing you. Which made me laugh because it was their dumbsh*t network she couldn't hear me on. So then I pulled over and asked her if she could "hear me now" and laughed at my little Verizon joke that was probably lost on her. I decided that this international calling crap was too complicated for me to give a crap so I just hung up and decided to use a phone card if I REALLY need to call anyone.

Like my mommy. Last time I snuck downstairs at the bed and breakfast I stayed at , in the dark, to the one phone they had and called my mom because it was still daytime or whatever in the states and told her I couldnt sleep. I called Dondi too. I called everyone whose number I knew til I got sleepy.

The next morning, the innkeepers were asking me if I was homesick, their room was near the phone which was near the kitchen. It was a small B&B , so then I felt bad.
But it was okay.

This time I will be at the Gatwick Hilton, which is attached to the airport in Gatwick, about a half an hour train ride to Victoria Station in the city. I have to wait until the crew wakes up again if I want to go into town because I don't want to go by myself. I hope I get to go into town again, but I am not going to go all sight seeing crazy like last time. I already have my picture by every damn landmark. I even youtubed the whole thing. So, this time will be a little more ...mehh.....but I'm still excited to go. There's a good crew going. :)

Speaking of this little trippy thingie, I would like to point out that I have not packed and really need to because it's T minus barely any hours to departure time.

I'll write on paper on the plane and bring it back and blog. Probably. If I keep track of the pages.

Until then, love you all the way to London and back. In First class seats, or I'm not getting on. Hahahaa.....just kidding....or am I?