Lighthouses

Hmmm , still foggy but the past few days brought a little more promise than the previous ones. I think I know what the problem was. I was supposed to show this house on Friday and I was so busy that week that I never really got the house as clean as I wanted it to be and the day before I decided it would be a good idea to take an adderall...just so I could get what I needed done. Just this once.

I haven't been on Adderall since I left rehab. I'd been on it for nearly two years. My life was falling apart for nearly two years. I'd wondered if maybe that had anything to do with the way I chose to handle things. I even told my doctor I wanted to go without them. Which, I admit, isn't THAT big of a step when you have like twenty or thirty of them stashed. Just in case.

Well "Just in Case" happened to be when I needed the house cleaned and I needed to be focused. Sure, it worked. I sped around like a psycho, cleaning everything and forgetting nothing, chatting on the phone a million miles an hour, making promises to show the house a thousand times, take care of the grass myself, whatever the hell I said Id do when my landlor called at the peak of my high....I dont even remember...
fighting with my exes, both of them, on the phone and they're both thinking I'm being bitchy and I'm offended because I AM SO NOT!! (yeah I was)

Then David sent me a text I didn't like, which lead to a phone call I didn't like because he didn't like my tone, and I took something he said way too personally, and then he didn't know what to do because he has no earthly idea how to handle me, and then I got more mad, took it to work with me, etc...etc.....

The next day I was so burnt out that I needed another adderall just to get through the morning. And that's how it all begins again. The not eating, the anxiety, the over reacting, the high-high-high, the low-low-low....

I'm really mad at myself that I let that get me again. The medicine makes me dependent...on it, on other people, on stimulation.....I didn't realize the full effect of it until I'd been off it for a while. There is a marked difference in how I react to things on that crap than when I'm not. Then I also can't sleep at all and I didn't have my sleeping pills, but the thoughts came back as well, so were it not for earlier clear thinking and giving them all to David, I'm afraid I would have been stupid again. All for what, a clean house? The kids wrecked it again already anyway!

I spent the last four or five days recovering from two days of Adderall. It should be out of my system by now. I really want to take another one to take away the fog, get my blood pumping again and accomplish the two thousand things I have to do today. I could get this whole house packed myself! My doctor prescribed me more just in case I withdraw too badly, but she didn't know I'd been off of it so long on my own. Now after just two doses, I feel the horrible dependency crawling back in. I couldn't sleep last night and I looked outside , the only house that had lights on in the neighborhood, the only lights left were the street lamps, looking back at me like unsympathetic eyes.......I wanted sleep so bad, and it would now take another pill to get there. One I didn't have because David was gone way longer than he said and I was afraid if I bothered him about them he'd for sure not give them to me.
So, I went without adderall, without sleep, was completely in a fog yesterday, and finally seem to be coming out of it today.

Went to dinner with Dondi and the kids last night for Mother's Day and it was really nice. Bailey's dad brought her after lunch and they brought me a candle "That would make me hungry" (says Bailey). It smelled like caramel and coffee. Dondi brought me back a really pretty dress and a lighthouse widget from the beach. I'm supposed to meet him for lunch today too, and yesterday was just fine so I'm actually looking forward to going out to eat. I love doing that. When I'm not in a damn fog.


One more day, and it'll be all completely out of my system....one more day....